(I am excluding my parers and Autumn,
I recently learned that some friends I went to church with for years thought I was going off the deep end this past year. I found it was funny that they believed it to be because I was getting tattoo’s and what not. I have always loved tattoo’s. I grew up wanting one. I will not make you agree wih me, but they can be a powerful, beautiful expression! I want to describe both tattoo’s I have in this and also address something.
I did go off the deep end this past year. I lost hope in humanity after I aged out of the foster care system, just as damaged when I entered it. I lost my best friend, my confidant, my idol. I trusted her with a sacred part of my heart, and she made a joke about me being a part of her family. That felt like she ripped my heart out and mocked it. I needed to breath, to get out of Helena. God heard and answered my prayers with Mick and Shannon, my mom and dad. I heard the Lord say go, and I did. Did this help? No. I tried dating 3 people in the course of 8 months. Two of those in direct violation of my covenant wih God. I did not sleep with them though, or even let them touch me. I broke my covenant in my heart. I stepped out from His Love and I flipped Him the bird. I started smoking weed a few times a week, until my mom found my stash. That sucked. I smoked with some friends, I even ate a weed cookie. At a dinner party. With people I have never met before. I started smoking cigarettes when I got of age. Dumb az. I started drinking to get drunk. I liked the feeling of not being attached to feeling, emotion or memory. That felt good, until I wanted to sleep with my friend. I value and think I ruined this relationship, I let him touch me. I have never been so ashamed in the past two years. I dont think it is bad to have a man touch a woman, but for me it’s like adding kerosene to an atomic bomb. I allowed Mick and Shannon to be my parents. I allowed them to call me daughter. I have yelled and screamed at them until one day they asked me to leave. Had I hit bottom yet? Nope. I called my mom some nasty names, and told my dad he was an asshole. My dad is the kindest, most honorable man I have yet to meet. My mom loves from a place between her spirit and her soul, she loves deep. It has been by the grace of God that they have held on to me this far. I have yelled and disrespected my parents in front of my younger siblings. I failed to be an example of a big sister, again, and showed them a darkness they do not need to see in a person. By the grace of God, my brother still thinks I am a ninja and crawls into my lap to say how much he loves me. My little sister still can always find a place I my arms from the cruelty of the world, from puberty, and her secrets. That girl has an amazing heart. Have I hit bottom yet? Nope. I let my birth parents project their relationship on me. I allowed myself to become involved in a mess God ALONE has the power to save. This made me feel insufficient, helpless, and like I was back where i was when I was two. I allowed them to be the standard I judged my parents by. Do not misunderstand me, I have a love for my birth parents, but they made their choice and God has redeemed me. I allowed my childhood to play out I to my adult life. The entire time after I graduated I went off the deep end. This year living in Great Falls I went off the deep end. I lived in sin, I hit bottom, built a tent, and smoked hookah there. Haha…And what broke me was no one said a single thing.