Part 2

(I am excluding my parers and Autumn,

Deep Ends Have Depth part 1

I recently learned that some friends I went to church with for years thought I was going off the deep end this past year. I found it was funny that they believed it to be because I was getting tattoo’s and what not. I have always loved tattoo’s. I grew up wanting one. I will not make you agree wih me, but they can be a powerful, beautiful expression! I want to describe both tattoo’s I have in this and also address something.

I did go off the deep end this past year. I lost hope in humanity after I aged out of the foster care system, just as damaged when I entered it. I lost my best friend, my confidant, my idol. I trusted her with a sacred part of my heart, and she made a joke about me being a part of her family. That felt like she ripped my heart out and mocked it. I needed to breath, to get out of Helena. God heard and answered my prayers with Mick and Shannon, my mom and dad. I heard the Lord say go, and I did. Did this help? No. I tried dating 3 people in the course of 8 months. Two of those in direct violation of my covenant wih God. I did not sleep with them though, or even let them touch me. I broke my covenant in my heart. I stepped out from His Love and I flipped Him the bird. I started smoking weed a few times a week, until my mom found my stash. That sucked. I smoked with some friends, I even ate a weed cookie. At a dinner party. With people I have never met before. I started smoking cigarettes when I got of age. Dumb az. I started drinking to get drunk. I liked the feeling of not being attached to feeling, emotion or memory. That felt good, until I wanted to sleep with my friend. I value and think I ruined this relationship, I let him touch me. I have never been so ashamed in the past two years. I dont think it is bad to have a man touch a woman, but for me it’s like adding kerosene to an atomic bomb. I allowed Mick and Shannon to be my parents. I allowed them to call me daughter. I have yelled and screamed at them until one day they asked me to leave. Had I hit bottom yet? Nope. I called my mom some nasty names, and told my dad he was an asshole. My dad is the kindest, most honorable man I have yet to meet. My mom loves from a place between her spirit and her soul, she loves deep. It has been by the grace of God that they have held on to me this far. I have yelled and disrespected my parents in front of my younger siblings. I failed to be an example of a big sister, again, and showed them a darkness they do not need to see in a person. By the grace of God, my brother still thinks I am a ninja and crawls into my lap to say how much he loves me. My little sister still can always find a place I my arms from the cruelty of the world, from puberty, and her secrets. That girl has an amazing heart. Have I hit bottom yet? Nope. I let my birth parents project their relationship on me. I allowed myself to become involved in a mess God ALONE has the power to save. This made me feel insufficient, helpless, and like I was back where i was when I was two. I allowed them to be the standard I judged my parents by. Do not misunderstand me, I have a love for my birth parents, but they made their choice and God has redeemed me. I allowed my childhood to play out I to my adult life. The entire time after I graduated I went off the deep end. This year living in Great Falls I went off the deep end. I lived in sin, I hit bottom, built a tent, and smoked hookah there. Haha…And what broke me was no one said a single thing.

Who can trust the system?

Who can trust the system?

There are not so much wrinkles in time, but dog eared corners.

There are not so much wrinkles in time, but dog eared corners.

I may not like her, but she has a very strong point.

I may not like her, but she has a very strong point.

Yeah. True story!

Yeah. True story!

I want to ride your bicycle, sir.

I want to ride your bicycle, sir.

I planked for the first time…yay?

I planked for the first time…yay?